Fiancé wants to be a stay-at-home mom, refuses to chip in for 8-year-old stepson's expenses: 'Me and Tanner would have to sacrifice more than anyone'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jul 29, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

Everyone gets choices in life, ideally. You're born with mountains and mountains of potential. You can choose any path to any destination and nobody can stop you. As you get older, your choices seem to narrow in front of you. You go to a particular school, make particular friends, and develop particular skills. But the world still is wide open. Then you meet someone, plan for a life together, and want to have children. You're attached to your own vision of things: how you pictured your life when you were little. But now that you've chosen someone, you have to inherit their dreams and realities too. This is a difficult process. Compromise is key to a successful relationship, but compromise is not easy. 

That's the situation this couple found themselves in when everyone had different versions of ideal. And when they clashed, it jeopardized the relationship between a father and his young son. Read on for the story.

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    Cheezburger Image 10380319488
    via Alexander Grey
  • 02
    AITA for telling for telling my fiancée she will have to help pay expenses for my son if she wants to be a SAHM?
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
  • 03
    I'm engaged to marry Beth and we've been talking a lot about money. Money is not an issue because we both work and make decent money. I also have an 8yo son named Tanner from a previous relationship and have full custody.
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
  • 04
    Beth said she didn't want to be on the hook for Tanner's expenses like extracurricular activities or private school tuition. I said I totally understand and it's reasonable.
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
  • 05
    She then said that if and when we have kids (99.99% chance we will have kids if we marry), then she'd want to be a SAHM. I said that would put a lot of pressure on me as the sole financial provider. I might have to get a second job and worst of all,
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
  • 06
    Tanner would be devastated that my time went from his getting 100% to now sharing it with a wife, new kids and another job. In that arrangement, me and Tanner would have to sacrifice more than anyone.
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
  • 07
    Beth tried to say it was a sacrifice for her too but I quickly shut that down by pointing out that being a SAHM is luxury and working two jobs isn't. I told her the only way it would work is if she worked PT to ensure that Tanner could still go to private school, have his extracurricular activities
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
  • 08
    and to keep his babysitter around (so that Tanner still has a guy to take him out to do guy stuff if I can't). Unfortunately that might mean that you don't get to shop or get your nails done as often as you like. But everyone gets something and everyone sacrifices something.
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
  • 09
    She said that was outrageous and I said we can't stop negotiating after she gets what she wants. I said if the roles were reversed then I would take it in a heartbeat because I'd gladly be a SAHD over going to work and having the sole responsibility of being the sole provider.
    via u/Acceptable_Crow6778
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    Sebscreen 8 hr. ago · • NTA. Excuse me?! Your FIANCEE, someone who on paper will be in your son's life permanently, told you upfront that she doesn't want the responsibility to providing for him but will personally
    via u/Sebscreen
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    change her lifestyle to dote on any biological children you have with her... and you're fine with this? You are Tanner's only parent. What do you think will happen even if she agrees to work part time? Tanner's half-sibling will obviously be favoured and he will be neglected and unloved all throughout his childhood.
    via u/Sebscreen
  • 12
    Did she even consider what would happen to Tanner if you started working two jobs; did you? He would have zero time and attention from you. And you know for a fact he will receive none from Beth either, who will have her hands full with the baby (her "real" family).
    via u/Sebscreen
  • 13
    You better be crystal clear about how much she actually cares about your son before you marry this woman. You are his only parent, you cannot afford to fail him. By the way, I hope Tanner's biological mother is paying child support.
    via u/Sebscreen
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    kaaria11 7 hr. ago • Agree. What's more important your son or your wife that really doesn't want anything to do with your son?
    via u/kaaria11
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    sixo06 8 hr. ago . • I'm confused. How will Beth help pay for expenses for your son if she becomes a SAHM? She presumably won't be working at this point, so would that just come out of her personal savings or something - which would eventually dry up?
    via u/sixo06
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    EDIT: OK, I see that what you mean by "she will have to pay expenses" is that she'll need a part- time job if she decides to become a SAHM, and that's how she's to contribute to Tanner's extracurriculars and such.
    via u/sixo06
  • 17
    Honestly, this all seems so weird to me. If she plans to be a SAHM, the main benefit would be that ALL the kids would have a parent around 24/7 to care for them and alleviate the need to hire outsiders to occupy their time and watch them
    via u/sixo06
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    while the parents are working... but from what you're telling us, Tanner's life is already built around not having that, so he goes to extracurriculars and gets babysitting instead. On top of that, in your plans for after you
    via u/sixo06
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    have a kid together, Tanner will still get all of these things, and none of it will be alleviated by Beth being a SAHM. Does she intend to act as a SAHM only to the future child(ren) you both have together while leaving Tanner as an outsider to be taken care of by paid. activities?
    via u/sixo06
  • 20
    Puzzleheaded-Food98. Leaning towards ESH. It seems like what you're saying is that you can't really afford to have two kids and a stay-at-home- spouse, which is totally understandable. But you're saying some pretty sexist stuff here, both generally and about
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Food98
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    SAHMS and that's what leads me to think YTA - seems like there's more to it than just the expenses. Raising kids at home is not a "luxury," it is back- _-breaking-work. Yes, it is a luxury to have that option, but it doesn't mean exercising it as "luxurious." And did you really make some sarcastic comment about nails and shopping? SMH.
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Food98
  • 22
    To be fair, I also think Beth is the AH here for not being willing to help out on Tanner's expenses, at least not once you're married. Still, if you're nearly certainly on that track, seems kind of an AH move. You and your son are a package deal, I hope she understands she will be his mom, too.
    via u/Puzzleheaded-Food98

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stay at home mom family drama stepmother aita sahm working mom stepmom working family feud parenting dad family blended reddit thread Reddit money Parenting Fail parents stepson Parenting FAILS
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